the anger and the fury

It seems I've been inordinately pissed off this past month. My two favourite people have left the sailing company leaving only shadows of the team we used to be.

Sometimes I try to step back and think if I am getting irrationally irritated. Studying psychoanalysis seems to have unleashed a Pandora's box of previously untapped rage which seems to be creating a pattern in my life. Everything starts off sweet, but after about a year or so of working on whatever I become pissed off and fed up and then proceed to burn my bridges with co-workers and the authorities (lecturers etc). Oh dear.

Well anyway, some examples of things I have been pissed off at include:
1) guys turning up to work late and drunk - at 9 o'clock in the morning! I just think when we crew together on the yachts, and if the wind is strong, my life is literally in the hands of my crewmates and skipper. And if he's drunk, he's putting all our safety at risk.
2) Guys taking money out of the bar money - on the one hand I do understand that not every one has been born with a silver spoon in their mouth (as it seems I have had - relatively anyway), but don't we all wish we could 'borrow' some money for some food every now and then.
3) Guys taking beers out of the cooler so it gets deducted from all our salaries at the end of the month - I hate people who cannot control their drinking habit!
3) Guys sitting on the jetty chilling when the rest of us are still finishing work that's meant to be shared
4) Guys getting on their high horse and preaching about how professional they are 'always' - the same guys who sleep on the job, don't even try to talk to passengers and who are lazy about doing the jobs.

I've concluded that these are things that I shouldn't just let slip, but also which shouldn't merit so much attention or anger. Must just remember to keep breathing! The day before yesterday I had a talk with a guy who had made a stupid comment. The day after that the guys were like 'Yesterday I saw E get really angry for the first time hmmm,' and I had no idea what they were talking about. Apparently, they thought my talking with the other guy was me being angry [losing my grip on English grammar - have obviously been working with the dregs of society for too long]. I had to tell them, 'Um, that was actually me controlling my temper'.

I was also thinking before I go home, it would be interesting to find out more about how the guys view the world. But then I thought I couldn't very well sit with a tape recorder so I'd just have to glean their views from their words. I had an argument with Aaron yesterday - he said we were the bottom of the barrel [and therefore the bosses could treat us how they wanted], the bottom of the heap, the scum of the earth blah blah blah. It made me furious, even if I was the bottom of the heap, I like to think I deserve to be treated with some decency. Possibly this is a bourgeois illusion of which I have not yet been unburdened.

Extending the scope of this post beyond my navel, life has been sweet recently though - it's coming into autumn (I'm so thankful!!!!) so the days are cooler. There are days on end when the cold front from the northwest keeps blowing in - sailing when there's a lot of swell isn't so fun though. Neither is cleaning up other people's puke (love those mushroom pieces)!! Last night we went to a friend's house for a braai/barbecue in his backyard. One fire was for cooking, one was to keep warm. It was a clear night with many stars in the sky. It was cosy.

Oh the other day I was inspired to write a scene of a play about the guys. It's called Thursday Afternoon at the Skipper's Cafe and I guess one has to know the people for their portrayal to be amusing, but it does provide an insight into the atmosphere and typical conversation that goes on. I'll type it up soon - it was scribbled on the back of our daily sailing schedules and other scraps of paper.

Lastly, I've finally started to learn to surf!!! I remember in the summer of 2000, dragging my best friend to Bristol for the weekend and having plans to go to Cornwall sometime that summer to learn to surf. Never happened. Now, even though the water here is freezing (too cold even for the sharks), I finally took the plunge. Got dunked loads of times, got water up my nose, got a head cold and still had to go to work (we went on Dawn Patrol - having dragged some guys from work up at 6am!) but I've definitely been bitten by the bug. Against better advice, I got a shortboard - all the mini-mals and longboards were so ugly. I'm so superficial I know, but I knew learning to surf on a pretty board would make me more happy - and it has!!